March 24, 2015 | 12:52 am | 1 comments
I don't want to write, but I don't know where shall I express my feel.
It's very tough and I'm not that strong.
❝They hate sinner.❞
I'm still trying my best to remember what had I done? Is there something that I did was wrong? It's very difficult to explain. This feeling very confusing, and I don't know where to start. I don't want to blame God or even world, I don't want to blame people aswell. But, who am I exactly? Is it karma really exist? If do exist, who am I before 1997? No, I don't want to talk about it.
Serious talk, I'm still thinking why God created us with a naturally bad personality while He forbid it. Why He created this kind of feeling over this kind of forbid relationship but in the same times He don't like it? I don't have any right to judge or think. Who am I to interpret His power, the world? I'm just a tiny, very very tiny. But, am I that strong to handle this feeling? I don't want to be one of the sinner, but I can't control my dark soul.
They saw me as a person who likes to laugh, happy and funny. I tried myself to be one of them. I hid very well, I know. Sometimes it's feels like I'm standing in the crowd and looking around, why I am so different? Is there anyone do have the same situation like me? They were in love too and they know how to feel aswell but in the right way. Meanwhile, I don't know what kind of feeling is happening right now. I'm feeling so empty.
Somehow I felt like there was a monster used to lived in my head. He told me to looked at him and automatically I gulped hard. He told my heart to not to stop beating hard and I swear it was very hurt my chest. Everytimes it's happen, I would try myself to control. Unfortunately, I'd lost. I lost with my ownself. Is it really normal as a human being? Why then people never express themself to public and tell me how to survive? Am I the only one? Please don't tell me, I need an answer.
This is so much confuses that I don't know how to express myself. I don't know where should I let it all out. Would people accept me the way I am and living in this world happily after they know the real of me? This is so much confuses that I don't know what's happening to myself and why I always have that kind of feeling. And this is so much confuses that, the more I try to stop, the more hurt my heart would be and the more it's hurt, the more it torture me.
As a normal human being, obviously they won't understand. Is it really normal? No. They hate it, they fucked up with it. They may cut me even somehow I feel like I want to cut myself.
I just need someone to change me.
It's like the dark in the light, and I'm trap.
Oh and I just realize, God makes no mistake. It's just me who is weaker.